How to Turn Your Triggers into Treasures

Antia Boyd shows you how to turn your triggers into treasures. She’s a dating and relationship coach who has spoken on hundreds of stages and radio shows including Harvard University and Google. She’s also been featured on ABC Radio, America Trends TV, and The Great Love Debate. Born in East Germany, she now lives in San Diego with her loving, strong, and supportive husband of 6 years, and loves helping women magnetize the right man for a loving lasting relationship.

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WHAT DOES WOMAN OF VALUE MEAN TO YOU?

She is a woman in her ‘queen’. The balance between the bitch and the doormat, warm and compassionate, she sets boundaries and is self-focused.

ANTIA’S ‘AHA’ WOMAN OF VALUE MOMENT

I was afraid of being too vulnerable and not looking polished. I was afraid a man would run away if I was too vulnerable. I grew up in Eastern Germany, which was communist back then. Kids were left alone for up to a day! My mom was emotionally absent and narcissistic. As a little girl, I tried to get into bed with her to snuggle, and she rolled over and said, “Don’t bother me!”. That became my message. I had a disconnect in my nervous system. My coping mechanism was to make sure I didn’t need anyone. I didn’t ever want to be vulnerable or at mercy to anyone else.

I wanted deep intimacy, but I stayed on the surface. I attracted emotionally unavailable men. They didn’t follow through. I never had a relationship last more than two months. I knew I needed to do something different. So, I studied personality psychology at U.C. Berkeley. It helped on an intellectual level. The mind was the safe place for me. But, I needed to understand more, so I studied how to understand men and more. I still wasn’t in my body. I hired a mentor to help me be more vulnerable and to set boundaries without guilt. Seven and half months later, I met my husband, Brody. The first night we met, he told me I was the woman in his story, and that we had a mission together.

Part of our mission was to bring the shadow and light together. The night before our wedding, we had a shadow ceremony. We admitted our deepest darkest fears. And we released it all.

WHAT’S A SHAME SHIELD?

Shame shields are how we respond when shame comes up.

Attack: This looks like, “Who do you think you are?”
Denial: As in ,“I was just kidding!”
Collapse: As in “Oh, you’re so right! I was wrong.”

I had a lot of suppressed anger, because my father had rage, and I was afraid to speak up. My brother spoke up and got beaten for it. When I felt safe and accepted, my unexpressed emotions came out. I raged, and I became physical. Brody held space for me to express emotions.

When I was reactionary, I learned to look at the emotion underneath. Panic symbolized what I was running away from. Feeling needy and helpless was terrifying to me. I felt that my rage had a big impact on Brody’s little boy inside. It brought up more shame. And the heart of the man shut down. I learned I had to guard his heart, and then he would guard me physically.

We share with each other what we love the most about each other. And we are curious with each other when triggered instead of having a shame shield.

HOW TO TURN TRIGGERS INTO TREASURES

Most of the women who come to me are anxious attachment style, and they get clingy and needy when triggered. To turn the trigger into a treasure, acknowledge it first. Open into it. Magnify the neediness. Visualize expanding the neediness. Fear becomes smaller. Look at it and don’t attach a story to it. Feel the feelings. And see where it takes you. See what’s underneath the feelings. Maybe it’s anger that someone didn’t respect your boundaries. Identify it. That’s the treasure bubbling up to the surface. You can see what it’s really about. The, you can advocate for what you need and be confident.

THE PRESENT

We’re creating power couples on this planet. We stand for women being empowered within partnership, for interdependence. They help each other grow. And then they raise self-actualized children. That’s how we heal the planet. I teach my clients the Bitch Code.

B.I.T.C.H stand for:

Boundaries
Intuition
Trust
Confidence
Harmony

When we trust ourselves, we trust others more often. If you’re big and bright, go for it!

THE FUTURE

We’re planning to raise a family with the skills of entrepreneurship. We also plan to always have an impact on the community around us. How can we support each other and create a compassionate environment.

THE LIGHTNING ROUND

I used to think I wasn’t graceful enough. My dad would say I walked like a man.
What was the #1 thing holding you back from becoming a woman  of value? Thinking that my intensity was not welcomed or ladylike.
What’s the best advice you can give to a woman who wants to  become more empowered? Look at what you’re afraid of the most. What you’ll be judged as and where you’re covering up. Be more of that!
What advice would you give to your younger self? Meditate more. Remove yourself earlier from people who don’t agree with you. Do more spiritual work.
What’s something people get wrong about you? They think I have it all together. Or because I’m in a marriage, I don’t hang out with others. I’m self sufficient.
How would you like to be remembered? Being a connector, connecting people to each other.